June 10, 2014

I'm Not Quite Sure What I'm Going To Call This Yet...

Last year I went through a sort of existential crisis. This isn't uncommon for me, I've been having existential crises since I was about five because I'm really curious about the afterlife and just about what everything means, dude. 

Anyway, it kind of just hit me that I will never get to experience high school again. Unless of course I return as a bored middle-aged art/english teacher, which I have in fact thought about because being a teacher seems easier than anything else I'm trying to do right now. 

When I think about high school I only think about the first three years. After year nine, I moved schools and lived with my aunt for a year. I had to grow up and mature a lot. I got my first job at KFC, practically the bane of my existence at that time. I had to buy my own things, deal with my own problems and look after myself. I was an only child for the first time in my life and I felt so alone without my friends and family. Every thing seemed unfamiliar and when I reflect upon that time in my life, all I see is a dark shade of blue and a girl sitting in front of her laptop 24/7 (not much has changed, let's be honest...) waiting for someone to come online. So basically, long story short, I went from being your average fifteen year old into feeling like a 24 year old with a full time job and a mortgage. 

The first three years of my high school experience were tough and at times really, really frustrating but they were also fun. I was really unhappy just before I left but now as I'm getting older, I keep questioning whether I was actually depressed or just being a moody teenage girl. Regardless, I still consider my time there special. I look back fondly through rose coloured glasses as I've subconsciously blocked out all of the bad things that happened. There are many memories that I hold so close to me because (*~cliché teenage profound statement here~*) I was experiencing so many new emotions and events for the first time (I'm trying to resist the urge to start singing songs from Frozen right now). 

While I was having my existential crisis last year, I really needed to go back to my childhood home and town and capture all of those memories that currently only exist in my head. Recreating these memories brings a lot of comfort to me because now they are documented and I can share them visually as well as verbally in the future. I was inspired by the beautiful May Xiong to create cinematic-like images. May's images are amazing and she has this knack for capturing light in the most beautiful of ways. When I reflect on my memories, I see everything as though someone with a camera was following me. I'm never truly just a set of eyes, which probably says a lot about my self esteem.

The four images I'm sharing with you today are memories of my childhood, sneaking into the basketball courts in the high school next door to my house. I would play in there often with my younger brother and our dogs especially during our summer holidays. We would climb through this hole in the fence, it's probably been like that for at least ten years. I also used to go there whenever I was feeling sad or angry. Our house was quite small so whenever I needed space I would just take my netball and practice my goal shooting for a while until I felt better.

I am hoping to return over my winter holidays to capture some more memories to share with you all.

Thank you to my brother for being in the last image with me.

Also, thank you for the feedback on the post I made a couple of days ago, especially to Izzie who sent me a really lovely message on Facebook.


  1. I absolutely love these. It's weird because these aren't my memories but the nostalgic feelings makes them feel familiar. The lighting and atmosphere is exactly like my memories of evening time in the summer, like you said remembering things through rose tinted glasses.

    And I can totally relate to you, I think I've been having an existential crisis for about 2 months. If I'm left alone with my thoughts for too long I get sucked into this spiralling train of thought about what's real and what isn't, and what everything means. Kinda scary actually.

    I can't wait to see an update on this series, I truly love it!

    1. Ah Alix, I'm so glad they make you feel that way. I can't say that was particularly my intention, but the fact that they give you those vibes makes them even better! I did actually take them during my summer in January so I didn't have to fake the light, but I did try to incorporate the colours that reminded me of my time there.

      Existential crises are actually the scariest thing. I had a horrible one in February this year and I was walking along the beach (ideally with sad, cheesy music in the background) and I was talking to my brother and I was freaking out in my mind and I was trying to convey to him how I was feeling and he just shrugged and was all like, 'I don't know?' and I was like, 'HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW DO YOU NOT THINK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE LIKE WHAT HAPPENS TO THE WORLD WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING HERE?! DO YOU NOT THINK ABOUT THAT AT ALL?' and he said no and that just baffled me.

      Thank you! Hopefully only a few more weeks before I can go up and take some more images!

  2. These are beautiful. I can really feel the nostalgia of returning back home in these photographs. It's funny, after college, my closest group of friends kind of scattered to all corners of the world, and the only thing we have in common is that our parents are still back there in the suburbs. Unfortunately, none of us are going home this summer, and it makes me strangely sad (because summer was always when we'd hang out with each other).

    I can also relate with existential crises. I had one this summer right before heading off to medical school after traveling for two months. Staying in one place and just studying was absolute torture and I remember feeling like I was falling apart. My friend once said that if you can figure out what you want..you can lead a pretty content life, but sometimes I think figuring things out is the hardest part. I'm still mulling through all this though. And I dunno, I think it makes it worse when there are people who know exactly what they want to do, and I'm still floating around.

    1. Liz, I'm so sorry that you're not going to be seeing your friends from school this summer. That whole paragraph reminded me of the storyline of The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants and now I feel incredibly nostalgic. My friends from high school haven't moved around the world (so isolated in Australia, ughhhh) but we do live in different cities/towns and I don't get to see them often, especially seeing as my family doesn't live in my hometown anymore so I can relate on so many levels! I hope you have a lovely summer though!

      From my experience, most people who seem like they know what they want to do are actually creating an illusion. I had someone say something similar to me when I was photographing a 21st a month ago. I went to school with them and they were like, 'Oh god, you have your life together, don't you?' and I was like, SERIOUSLY? But then when I thought about it, I project the same idea onto other people so I guess the moral of the story here is that there are many facets of people and the one they show online/in real life isn't always an accurate projection of whether they have it 'together' or not? Hopefully that's some more food for though for you! :)

  3. I really love this post.
    I often feel the same about High School, sometimes I romanticise it and feel like I should have appreciated it more, and doubt that I had any reason to be unhappy and other times I could not be more grateful to have moved on in life.
    A few months ago I went back to the town I grew up in, and I had moved away at 16, so I didn't do the last two year of high school there. And it was odd, but I got to spend some time with old friends, and in a weird kind of way it made me feel quite peaceful about the past, and provided some closure on high school.

    Anyway, this post was very though provoking! Very honest and a good read :) And the picture of you guys climbing the fence is so cool :)


    1. Over Christmas I went back and spent a good week in my hometown and walked through my old High School as everyone was away for the summer. I felt very emotional, cried a bit, took some photographs on my phone of things/places that were important to me and I could literally see scenes from my time there play out before my eyes. It was strange and comforting but also gave me closure on my time there. I think I need to go back though and spend some more time there alone just mulling things over.

      Thank you so much Meg for your thoughts! That photo hurt my hands so much, climbing that fence was not fun.

  4. These photos are beautiful <3


  5. You have a beautiful blog!! Lovely pics! :)

    Well I was wondering if we could follow each other via bloglovin, gfc, instagram, twitter, facebook and g+? Do visit my blogs and let me know in comments where you follow and I will follow back from both my blogs!! :)


  6. those photos are beautiful. as to having an existential crisis, I think most of us live in a perpetual state of wonder and doubt and just push it away and try to ignore it. I myself wouldn't dare to go back to my hometown yet. too many bad memories and too much pain, so I try to deal with it from afar. it takes gut to do what you did!

    1. Hey Petra! Thank you and I totally agree, most people do tend to ignore their feelings of wonder and doubt about life! I have family who live in my hometown so I go back regularly but I don't always face my past I guess! Thank you for your comment though!

  7. These are super cute. I'm glad I stumbled on your blog. :)

  8. Gosh I know what you mean...I'm constantly reminiscing to High School days both good and bad, listening to the old mix tapes we used to make, getting out all the old scrapbooks and letters. You don't realise how much freedom you actually had back then, during the days when you felt most trapped. Dreamy shoot x


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