April 10, 2015


The room goes dark.
A kiss goodnight.

Does the house smell like burning toast?
Why would it smell of burning toast?
Did I turn off the grill after dinner?
Or is it the heater? 

Better check.
The room lights up.
The heater is switched off at the wall.
The grill knob is turned to off.
All is as it should be.

The room goes dark.
A kiss goodnight.

Why does the house STILL smell like burning toast?
Will the house catch fire while we sleep?
What if someone burgles us while we sleep?
What if they take my laptop?

The iPad turns on.
A movie starts to play.

I will ignore the fact that the house smells like burning toast.
I will try to remember that it is unlikely for someone to burgle us whilst we are home.
I will try to remind myself that even if my laptop is stolen, all of my university work is stored on the cloud.

The credits flash up on the screen.
The iPad turns off.

Oh god, why did I wake up right as the movie was ending?
What was that noise?
Is that someone else in the house?

The iPhone turns on.
A meditation starts to play.

I will turn off my mind and listen to this meditation.
I will relax my body.
I will fall asleep and won't wake up until the morning. 

A light turns on.
A noise echoes down the hall.

What was that?! 
Was that just mum going to the toilet? 
Or was it something else?
I should get up and check.
Mum is in the bathroom.
All is as it should be.

Rain starts to pour down.
Thunder starts to rumble.

I can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
Why can't I just sleep?

The laptop goes on.
Tumblr loads up.

This is exhausting.
Will I ever get to sleep?
I should be doing some study for university.
But I don't want to wake everyone.

The laptop turns off.
Erik Satie starts playing through the iPod.

Go to sleep.
Just go to sleep.
Please, God, let me sleep.
Why am I so anxious?

The iPhone turns on.
The clock ticks over to 5am. 

Two hours left to sleep.
How am I going to get through the rest of the day?


  1. Your words are so true Carolyn.
    I felt so very understood reading this.

  2. oh my word.
    this basically describes my life right now.
    stay strong dear, also, thanks for writing this.


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